Rose is dead, her neighbours has no clue, the basement has started to smell, but not as much as you!
Age 36, Male
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Stockholm, Sweden
Joined on 6/13/04
"I still will have thoughts..." - I still will think is a more active way of saying it, althought it changes your rhyme.
"can tell us what to be" - you should use me instead of us, since you us me in the rest of the section
"How I resisted to live on my knees" - living instead of to live
"How you now live good" - well, not good
"Unlike the boy who turned man and gave you all" - all what?
"Which teared his legs" - tore, not teared
The first quote is supposed to remain that way, aswell as the second. Not sure about the third... will look into it, but I don't think that one should be changed either "Better die on your feet than live on your knees". There's a good way of saying "live good" in my opinion... "You live good, I gave you a good life"... hm, yeah.
Gave you all - everything.
Thanks for those.
Very nice. :)
Thanks mate!
tigerkitty
There are probably a few places where the word choice is a bit odd and a tad awkward. I was a little unsure of the meaning, but, of course, I've never been real great with poetry.
Andersson
Hm, could you point out some of the word choices that you found odd?